


I Won't Let You Dissapear

by Ayita35730



Series: Blood Bonds [1]
Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-01 10:20:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2769461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayita35730/pseuds/Ayita35730
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spike is sick of being treated like nothing. Maybe he's finally starting to believe it.<br/>Angel just wants to fix his broken boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Broken Toys, Broken Boys

**Author's Note:**

> AU set in somewhere in season 5. Angel is Spike's Sire, Spike does the impossible, Dawn knows all, Buffy doesnt mean to be an epic bitch, and Angel is a possessive bastard. Way more serious tone then I make it sound here.

Spike sighed as he sat in his crypt, head in his hands. Broken glass littered the floor from when he had hit that point of drunk that came before self pity but after the buzz. He didn't know what to do. He had been trying to do good, not for Buffy, as they all believed, but for the humanity inside him finally having a chance to return after all these years. And they still through him in the dirt, acted like he was nothing, told him he was nothing.

It didnt matter. It never had, and it never would. He was never good enough. He never would be good enough for anyone. He was always beneath them.

He didn't understand why it hurt so badly all of a sudden, but he guessed that spending time with the Scoobies was bringing old poncy William out to the forefront. William was always the part of himself he shoved insecurity on, but now the walls he'd built between them were crumbling, and years of pain he'd repressed were rushing back to Spike day after day.

"Spike?" He heard a familiar voice call softly, and Spike turned to see his Nancy boy Sire standing in the doorway. Spike knew something was wrong with him when he couldn't even work up any anger towards the other vampire. His Sire, who always triggered some sort of passion in him, love or hate or lust, now could only bring him sadness. Another person he was beneath, would always fall beneath. His sire who he'd die for gladly would let him die without remorse, who only comes to him out of necessity. Too disgusted to see him otherwise. 

 

"Whatta want Angel?" Spike said tiredly, his voice worn and lacking its usual bitterness. 

Angel froze at that tone, his expression turning into one of worry at Spike's demeanor. The cocky blonde vampire had never sounded like that, even when he was a fledge and Angelus' main activity was trying to break the boy. 

"Spike, um I came to ask about Dru," Angel says, completely bullshitting his reason in an effort to stay around long enough to find out why his boy looked so broken. Yes, Angel still thought of Spike as his Boy, His Will, even if he hadn't touched him since he was cursed. That didn't mean he didn't want to, God he wanted to. But he couldn't ask that of Spike. 

Spikes eyes turned to him at that, and Angel was deeply shaken at the darkness there. The lack of the spark that he loved and hated in Spike from the moment he met him. 

"Is Dru causing trouble? Please tell me you didn't dust her."

Spike's voice is strained, even in a wispher, and Angel longs to reach out to him, to put a hand on his shoulder and pull him close, but he restrains. Despite his twisted possession and any other feelings he chooses not to acknowledge about Spike, a lot had happened between them, they had a lot of bad history and Angel knew he didn't really have the right to try that with him as it stands. Though his demon wisphers constantly that Spike is HIS to do what he pleases with, his lover, his boy, his property, he always has the right. Sometimes he likes the demons ideas better. 

"No, I wouldn't do that unless it was the only option Spike. No, I uh, got a message she was running rampant with a female companion in Russia, and I wanted to ask if you or Dru had Sired any vampires I didn't know about?"

Spike looked strangely at him for a moment, and Angel could imagine how weird he looked standing awkwardly in the doorway of Spike's crypt while Spike rested on the sarcophagus, broken glass on the floor surrounding him. He looked like a fool, and felt like an intruder into Spike's world for the very first time since he'd turned the menace. 

"I haven't Sired any you don't remember. And I highly doubt Dru did, she never wanted to again after trying and failing to turn me. She was always to scared, that was a hell of a punishment you gave her for making you finish Siring "a pathetic useless excuse of a human much less a decent vampire." Ya know. She never forgot that lesson."

Spike's eyes grow sad for a moment and then go blank again, causing Angel's stomach to twist in pain. He could feel the other vampire's sadness at that statement, and he couldn't help but want to instinctually destroy what was upsetting his beautiful Childe. Except he couldn't, because he wasn't sure what had stolen the fight from his boy yet.


	2. Angel's Regret

"Spike there's actually another reason I came here. I uh-"

How did Angel explain Cordy seeing a vision of Spike dusting and his frantic drive out here to protect his Childe, despite his teams protests. Spike wouldn't believe him, he hadn't given the blonde any reason at all to believe he cared. 

"I just. I need to stay here a few days, please Spike. Will you let me stay with you?"

Spikes eyes turned to him, wary of him, and honestly he couldn't blame him. He had tormented Spike until he'd finally learned not to trust anyone. When he had done it, it was his own twisted way of protecting his boy from any who could betray him. Now he knew all he'd done was hurt him.

"I guess. If your trying to hide from Buffy and the Scoobies, then you better pick somewhere else. They just burst in whenever they want."

Angel frowned at that and shook his head. "Im not hiding, i just have no reason to get involved with them so it's better to stay out of the way."

Spike shrugs and gestures towards the trapdoor that leads to the bottom of the crypt. "Whatever. Theres a bed down there, knock yourself out."

Angel quirks up an eyebrow and stares at Spike. "Unless you have two beds, which I doubt, where are you supposed to sleep?" Spike waves the question away and takes another drink.   
"Not tired Peaches. Will you just shut up and go to sleep and let me get drunk in peace?"

Angel thought about saying something to that but realizes he doesn't have the right to try and control Spike like that. The only reason he came was so he could be sure nothing had the chance to dust his Childe. Cordy wasn't sure exactly what she'd seen, only that Spike would die within the next few days. She hadn't expected it to scare Angel into a panic.

Angel takes one last glance at his boy, his posture defeated and tired, he feels that familiar sharp stab of guilt in his gut. He never should have left Spike, he should have selfishly held him close, curse or no. Spike would have stayed with him, he knows it. Before the curse Spike was willing to give Angel anything he wanted, sacrifice anything for him. It still came out sometimes, that selflessness he'd tried to beat out of William. Will had always been too human for a vampire, and it had succeeded to binding Angelus to the boy in a way he never thought possible.

Angelus couldn't help but love him, even evil, how was he to resist someone who was so devoted to him yet asked nothing in return? William gave Angelus no choice but to love him, and his demon hated the other vampire a bit for that. Now as Spike, Angel still loved him, but now it was him who was on the receiving end of the hate. Except he deserved it.

Angel tears his gaze away from the blonde before he notices and turns to go the lower level. Every step he takes away from Spike draws him back to memories of longs night of smooth alabaster skin, love confessions whispered between hushed moans, and eager blue eyes shining at him in adoration. Eyes now filled with resignation and pain he'd help put there. 

Maybe people are right when they say you create your own hell.


	3. Holy Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angel discovers something distrubing but Dawn interupts before he can do anything about it.

Angel does not panic when his phone begins to ring. He simply jumps out of bed quickly in eagerness to answer it. He did not fall out of bed. 

"Hello?" He mumbles sleepily, falling back onto Spike's bed, still irritated at the lingering sent of Harmony. He remembered Willow had mentioned her vaguely, but it didn't matter until he smelt her filthy sent mixing with HIS BOY'S. 

He felt that possessive nature of his demon screaming at him, and he pushed those thoughts away when Cordy started screaming on the other end of the line.

"-The hell Angel? Why are you there!! Spike's not your problem he's Buffy's!! He might be chipped and doing good deeds, but he still shoved hot pokers through you!! If he dusts, let him!"

Angel is about to protest when suddenly his instincts started screaming at him, and the familial bond screams at him his Childe needs him. 

He closes the phone and tosses it away and hurries up to the top level and quietly as possible, fully intending to destroy whatever dares to harm his boy. 

Angel looks around the crypt and his eyes go wide when he sees Spike huddled shirtless in the corner, tears in his eyes and a vile of what looks to be water in his hand. Angel watches confused for a moment when Spikes starts to slowly poor the vial on his exposed chest, his face expressionless as smoke begins to rise from his chest. 

Holy Water. Angel is frozen with horror, unable to force himself from his place in the shadows. Spike finishes that vial and picks up another and pours that one on his burning flesh as well, and just as Angel is pulling himself out of shock enough to confront the blonde, he hears the approach of footsteps and a heartbeat. Spike hears it as well because he quickly slips on his shirt, tossing the empty vial away and standing up. 

Angel is slipping down to the bottom level before he even realizes it, the urge to avoid Buffy strong in that moment. Then he hears a voice upstairs he never expected. 

"Hey Spike. My sisters being a real butt, can I hang here awhile?"

Dawn? What's she doing here?

"Niblet I thought we covered this. Your sister doesn't want you here. You need to respect her, I'm not good company for young impressionable girls."

Angel hears Dawn snort and sit down with a thunk. 

" Spike I'm safer here than anywhere else. Im more likely to run into trouble at school. Plus you'd protect me right?" Dawn says smugly, and Angel hears Spike sigh in defeat. " Of course I'll protect you Bit. With my last breath. But i'd wish you'd stop trying to give big sis a heart attack."

Dawn huffs, and Angel doesn't have to see her to know shes crossing her arms. 

"Buffy will be fine. I'm sick of her acting like you're still the sick twisted bastard you use to be and not giving you any credit for how much you've changed." Dawn has real anger in her voice and Angel is surprised at her defense of Spike. Especially since her sister seems to be so angry at him.

"Not that changed Bit." Spike mutters, trying to come off as cocky and funny but really just sounding self-depricating and bitter. 

Dawn seems to notice as well, her heartbeat quickens and Angel hears her step closer to Spike. "What is wrong with you lately Spike? You've been so quiet and broody lately. You're acting like.... Actually you're acting like Angel."

"So I've been boring, depressing,prancing around like I have a stick up my arse, and all in all been a complete ponce?" Spike quips and Dawn laughs. Angel just hisses loud enough he knows Spike will hear it. Spike chuckles at that and he knows his Childe threw that insult out for his benefit. 

Brat.

"Not quite like that no, but pretty damn close. You've had that.... Hero-y vibe going on."

"Hero-y?"

"Yes hero-y," Dawn huffs. "Like Buffy or Angel or Riley or Giles gets. With the huffing and the far away looks into the distance and the dramatic stares. Like when they think they're going to sacrifice everything to defeat some threat. Except without the determination, just the sadness." Dawn whispers the last part, and Angel is struck with just how preceptive the girl really is.

Obviously Spike is as well, because he's quiet for a while before he finally replies. "No threat here love, no sacrifice. Don't you worry your pretty little head about me. Do me a favor though and head home yeah? Big Sis will be worrying about you."

Dawn sighs, put upon and starts to whine. Angel is praying she'll just leave. He needs to know what the hell the thing with the holy water was about, and as sweet as the girl is she is standing in the way of him protecting his Childe.


	4. Buffy vs.Buffy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy has issues.

Buffy sighed as she made her way to Spike's crypt. Her and Spike had leveled a while back and she knew the whole Spike in love with her thing was a big confusion thing on his part, that really all he wanted was her respect, but she couldn't help lashing out at him. Spike is a walking talking reminder of everything wrong with her life and while she thinks they might be able to get along, her own issues are standing in the way. 

Buffy hates to admit it but she likes Spike, he's loyal and funny and Dawn loves him, and if half of her essence wasn't pushing her to dust him she'd make sure he was a full Scooby. But Giles said her inner slayer and inner Buffy are currently at war, and she can't help but take out the frustration of that out on the biggest fighting point. She hadn't meant to upset Dawn by talking trash on the vamp, she just couldn't stop herself. 

Now she had to go find her sister who was almost positively hiding in said vamp's crypt. 

"Spike I don't want to go! Come on please?! Buffy may get irritated but she knows you'll protect me!"

Buffy smiles reluctantly as she nears the crypt and hears the shrill tone of her sister's voice. That has to be just murder on vampire hearing. Dawn is right though and she knows it, like it it not she completely trusts Spike with her sister's safety, and even hers and all her friends too. Even the Slayer in Buffy can see that Spike is an invaluable asset skill wise, with his experience and strength. Slayer Buffy just thinks its better to keep him locked up until needed if he has to remain alive, while Normal Buffy sees him as a potential ally. Ah the perks of split mindsets. 

"Spike! Come patrol!" Buffy calls from the entrance, deciding to see if Spike lets her know that Dawn's here or if he lies to her. 

She hears whispering and after a few moments Spike comes out of the crypt looking nervous and disheveled and Buffy is surprised to realize that she actually feels a wave of concern at the vampire's state that she knows isn't just about her sister. Buffy lets her guard down for a moment and smiles at him, nodding for him to follow her. They start to walk the cemetery in silence when Spike finally sighs and relents. 

"Little Bit is back at my crypt Slayer. Red is supposed to come get her, she'll be safe there. Told her she shouldn't be coming by, know you don't like it, but can't really change her mind." Spike says warily and Buffy knows he's waiting to be chewed out or even punched so she just chuckles and smiles at him. 

"I know she is, I heard her. Wondered if you'd say something." Buffy says, shooting for nonchalant but really just coming off smug.

Spike stops walking and looks at her, his blue eyes wide with disbelief and standing there, like that, Buffy can see the attraction Spike has. He's effortlessly sexy and has a beautiful false innocence that draws you in too. Sadly, he's just not her type. 

"You knew she was there and didn't do anything? Was this like a test Buffy?" Spike says slowly and she finds herself shrugging. "Sort of. You passed though." Then she keeps on walking, completely ignoring the stunned face of the vampire behind her as she marches through the graveyard with the lighter blonde closely behind.


End file.
